A View From the Dark Side of Stubbornness...Maybe.

I''m not a complainer, and aside from occasional thoughts shared on this very blog, I'm not big into talking about things that may be bothering me - and even when I do share, "it's always vague and cryptic", as a close friend recently described it.

I don't often air my grievances and I'm not regularly found venting. I'm a devout believer in the "grin and bear it" attitude toward hardship and pain. There are probably noble things to say about that attitude - to call it brave, strong-willed, or to call me "a trooper" as my mom would say.

But really I'm just stubborn. 

In my defense, I'm a male Capricorn of German-Irish-Polish descent from the southwest side of Chicago named Andrew. Did I really have a choice?

Jokes aside, I am very stubborn. I don't whine because that's letting a situation get the best of me. I persevere because there is no other choice. It's me versus whatever that thing against me is, and I'm going to overcome it. I'm going to. Simple as that.

This unwillingness to give in to life's attempts to break me, I consider a defining trait, which has mostly been a positive thing for me. But as with anything, there's a dark side to such a temperament, particularly when faced with a darker kind of stubbornness.

That kind of stubbornness is the kind that consumes a person. It's the kind of stubbornness that knows absolutely no boundaries and does not differentiate between friend and foe because it simply can't. It's a primitive stubbornness, a belief that anything and everything is an obstacle and that all must be dominated or overcome regardless of circumstance.

People who possess this type of stubbornness tend to be pretty successful in life - like Steve Jobs and Jeff Bezos - but they are often difficult creatures to like as well.

I have a person in my life who I believe possesses this stubbornness, and an interesting battle between our strong wills played out yesterday. For some reason, and maybe it's the overall circumstances I'm currently in and the wider exhaustion I'm battling too, I let it boil over into public (well, sort of - I never named the person and kept all potential details that might help identify this person private and I will continue to guard that privacy).

As a social media professional I don't condone the public airing of grievances at all, yet here I was posting on Facebook, asking friends for advice on how to handle a particular situation.

Don't do this.

A close up of that text message exchange looks like this, my comments in blue (click on it to enlarge):

The exchange

Now, there's an antagonistic history here, and to say this nameless person and I don't see eye to eye on...well...almost anything...would be a massive understatement. These are not the first shots fired between us. And I mean between us, because I've had a finger on the trigger in the past as well. As you can see above by my "If you're telling me, I'm telling you to fuck off" comment, I'm not immune to angry words. I own that phrase and apologize for saying it.

The easy thing may have been for me to have taken the post in question down and move on. Yet, I almost feel obligated not to. This person seems to feel they can order me to remove a picture that does not violate any rules, does not include them, reference them, nor involve them in any way, from a public setting, for no reason other than it bothers them personally. From the very start - the very first communication - there's sarcastic insults and a mandate ("I'm not asking you I'm telling you").

I don't know folks. That doesn't sit well with me, and I'm not comfortable rewarding this kind of communication and behavior by caving to demands. I don't think lying on the ground kicking and screaming should get a child what they want and I don't think it should get an adult what they want, either.

But maybe I'm being too stubborn myself.

The court of public opinion that has weighed in heavily thus far has without question agreed this style of communication is unwarranted. Even one of the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, gracious people I know, who weighed in with one of the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, gracious comments of all of them, began it with, "I think this person is acting like an inconceivable douchebag...however..." yet I take no satisfaction in that. I knew before I even showed it to people that this was ridiculous. It's pretty obvious.

But I wonder if I've dragged this issue out because it's a true matter of principle or just because I want this person to be abundantly clear they're in the wrong.

I'd like to believe the former. It aligns with my principles, both personal and professional. Personally I don't believe people should be allowed to demand or bully other people into getting what they want. Asking nicely goes a long way. Professionally, I don't believe a social media post (or blog post, or newspaper article or YouTube video or major motion picture) that violates no rules, and is in the spirit of the forum it's posted on should be removed because a single individual simply doesn't like it.

I wonder if in posting that Facebook post and posting these thoughts here on my blog I've stooped to the latter.

Is my idea of being principled, of defending the fact that I've done nothing wrong originally, and of not being willing to cater to aggressive demands in reality just a cover for seeing this person as an obstacle that must be overcome, regardless of cost?

I don't know yet.

I'll guess I'll be listening to Clarity while I sort this out.

UPDATE: Nah, I'm good.